I’m standing in line at the health food store, and already I’m questioning the sanity of every decision that led me here—my basket filled with overpriced, artisanal virtue signaling: cage-free this, organic that, vegan whatever.
I can't believe I just got to this. Sorry for the delay. You are absolutely right in this essay. Aside from being nostalgic for the "air-brushed '90s) I did a research assistanceship with a professor studying happiness as a statistical ratio and part of my master's thesis was "The Cheerio Effect." I noted the differences between my friends who were always obsessed with not just getting a toy but getting the RIGHT toy in their cereal box, and myself, who was limited to plain Cheerios (or Raisin Bran- yuck). I was elated when my parents bought Honey Nut Cheerios for the flavor alone- but here were my friends, distraught because their parents bought the wrong brand of delicious sweet sugary cereal to which I did not have access. I need to replicate this study!
Those words have a negative connotation. It was about the ratio of what you expected to what was available. The research was statistically significant and showed that the less you expected, the happier you were with your circumstances, accounting for the main focus which was the discrepancy between low suicide rates in 3rd-world countries vs high rates in the U.S., developed Asia, and the Nordic nations. They had better living conditions but were more likely to die by suicide. Why? And part of that hypothesis was the Cheerio Effect: if it's not available, you don't feel its absence. It causes you zero disappointment and you're happier for it.
Yes, I realize it's ironic that I was involved in suicidology research. And for the record, no, the professor did not notice any warning signs before my attempt.
That store should rebrand as I care about the environment and my colon. That was beautiful! The rest of the story and description was pure Hostess frosting on the Zinger, Yes, I purposely mixed my metaphors.
The first and only time I stepped in a health food store, I broke out in a cold sweat before developing a case of hives.
Thanks for the laughs and memories of extracting baseball gold from something other than a pack with inedible gum.
Fun read! It made me miss walking through aisles of sugary trash. So cartoon-y. I’m in a food co-op absent of those pretty boxes these days, whose members are constantly bitching about the plastic bags in the produce section…I even think they’re compostable. 🤦🏾♀️
Thanks, Tess! I appreciate it so much when people read my stuff. I still feel guilty about the "bad" cereals, but I'll be damned if I don't love me a bowl of Fruity Pebbles once in a blue moon.
Man alive, between cereal, Mother's Cookies, hostess cup cakes and many other gas station promotions for cups, I'm getting a new appreciation for all the money my parents spent, and all the sugar I ate, to get a few more pieces of ballplayer cardboard.
Don’t know whether we can be moved by the absurdity but I am moved by your writing.
Maybe Canseco and McGwire should have shot fruit cup syrup into their asses instead of the steroids to give them the other-worldly jolt they were seeking.
Thanks, Mark. I think it’s time to put the steroid guys in the HOF. The hypocritical baseball owners and the Hall itself look more clownish and absurd as the years go by. We all know Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds were two of the most important figures in baseball history, steroids or not.
In a nation where a twice-impeached convicted felon, documented sexual abuser and habitual liar is about to be sworn in under oath to be president, the standard for who we honor is so pathetically low that sure, why not glorify a couple of dopes like Bonds and McGwire? No limit to the absurdity.
Bonds was a three-time MVP BEFORE he went on steroids. Clemens was an awesome pitcher before usage and McGwire hit 49 homeruns as a skinny rookie. The BBWAA and Hall of Fame are engaging in virtue signaling.
….and it’s strange that they only “virtue signaled” after all the juicers were no longer useful to them. McGwire/Sosa popularized the game again after the owners tried to destroy it. That alone is a more powerful baseball moment than anything Harold Baines or Craig Biggio ever did.
Hey man, there's nothing better, for mental health anyway (IMO) than longing for worldly items, really getting lost in them, endless gems available to us all like baseball cards in a cereal box. Kind of bizarre that our ancestors hunted for food or foraged and now it's all in one place and we're pushing around carts. I figure all food was originally organic and then came pesticides or whatever and then came companies selling organic. Sounds like a Big Pharma/Doctor pushing pills conspiracy. Keep em' coming Gary.
Cereal is one of those amazing things. I remember having trouble falling asleep as a kid knowing there would be Honey Nut Cheerios or Graham Crackos or Grape Nuts Flakes or Golden Grahams waiting for me come morning.
Sometimes that nostalgia tricks into actually buying the cereal and even the shitty, mass-produced, terrible-for-you breakfast cereal is smaller, shittier, and more expensive. Just give me a sack of oats so I never have to leave the house again.
Hahaha...I usually eat pretty darn healthy in my old age, but I gave in the other day and bought a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. It was worth every penny.
I loved Full O' Life in Burbank, saw Sydney Poitier eating lunch there one day. It was a great little health food store with a small but wonderful cafe. I miss it, long gone now...good memories.
I can't believe I just got to this. Sorry for the delay. You are absolutely right in this essay. Aside from being nostalgic for the "air-brushed '90s) I did a research assistanceship with a professor studying happiness as a statistical ratio and part of my master's thesis was "The Cheerio Effect." I noted the differences between my friends who were always obsessed with not just getting a toy but getting the RIGHT toy in their cereal box, and myself, who was limited to plain Cheerios (or Raisin Bran- yuck). I was elated when my parents bought Honey Nut Cheerios for the flavor alone- but here were my friends, distraught because their parents bought the wrong brand of delicious sweet sugary cereal to which I did not have access. I need to replicate this study!
Thanks for stopping by, Amelia. My parents weren't super wealthy either, so my sister and I would usually get the "off brand" cereals.
The "Cheerio Effect" sounds more like a study of privilege or brattiness. :)
Those words have a negative connotation. It was about the ratio of what you expected to what was available. The research was statistically significant and showed that the less you expected, the happier you were with your circumstances, accounting for the main focus which was the discrepancy between low suicide rates in 3rd-world countries vs high rates in the U.S., developed Asia, and the Nordic nations. They had better living conditions but were more likely to die by suicide. Why? And part of that hypothesis was the Cheerio Effect: if it's not available, you don't feel its absence. It causes you zero disappointment and you're happier for it.
Yes, I realize it's ironic that I was involved in suicidology research. And for the record, no, the professor did not notice any warning signs before my attempt.
That store should rebrand as I care about the environment and my colon. That was beautiful! The rest of the story and description was pure Hostess frosting on the Zinger, Yes, I purposely mixed my metaphors.
The first and only time I stepped in a health food store, I broke out in a cold sweat before developing a case of hives.
Thanks for the laughs and memories of extracting baseball gold from something other than a pack with inedible gum.
I refuse to eat my 500-calorie HFCS serving of Candy Globule General Mills unless I can use 8 cold ounces of 0% fat milk. I'm healthy that way.
Fun read! It made me miss walking through aisles of sugary trash. So cartoon-y. I’m in a food co-op absent of those pretty boxes these days, whose members are constantly bitching about the plastic bags in the produce section…I even think they’re compostable. 🤦🏾♀️
Thanks, Tess! I appreciate it so much when people read my stuff. I still feel guilty about the "bad" cereals, but I'll be damned if I don't love me a bowl of Fruity Pebbles once in a blue moon.
Man alive, between cereal, Mother's Cookies, hostess cup cakes and many other gas station promotions for cups, I'm getting a new appreciation for all the money my parents spent, and all the sugar I ate, to get a few more pieces of ballplayer cardboard.
Haha. Yeah, baseball cards were everywhere back then. There were even mini-bobbleheads at one time.
.. dazzled me .. am on a run of boss reads today ! one hand wavin free ! 🦎🏴☠️🎬
Ocean deep Gary....gosh dang ocean deep. Brilliant.
Fuck Amos...I mis-read "gosh" and thought you said "goth" and I was super stoked for about 5 seconds. LOL
ha...Goth Dang...it could work...there's something there...or it's all absurd in the end...Bukowski like...
Don’t know whether we can be moved by the absurdity but I am moved by your writing.
Maybe Canseco and McGwire should have shot fruit cup syrup into their asses instead of the steroids to give them the other-worldly jolt they were seeking.
Thanks, Mark. I think it’s time to put the steroid guys in the HOF. The hypocritical baseball owners and the Hall itself look more clownish and absurd as the years go by. We all know Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds were two of the most important figures in baseball history, steroids or not.
In a nation where a twice-impeached convicted felon, documented sexual abuser and habitual liar is about to be sworn in under oath to be president, the standard for who we honor is so pathetically low that sure, why not glorify a couple of dopes like Bonds and McGwire? No limit to the absurdity.
The absurdity level was set when they let Bud Selig in. lol
Bonds was a three-time MVP BEFORE he went on steroids. Clemens was an awesome pitcher before usage and McGwire hit 49 homeruns as a skinny rookie. The BBWAA and Hall of Fame are engaging in virtue signaling.
….and it’s strange that they only “virtue signaled” after all the juicers were no longer useful to them. McGwire/Sosa popularized the game again after the owners tried to destroy it. That alone is a more powerful baseball moment than anything Harold Baines or Craig Biggio ever did.
Hey man, there's nothing better, for mental health anyway (IMO) than longing for worldly items, really getting lost in them, endless gems available to us all like baseball cards in a cereal box. Kind of bizarre that our ancestors hunted for food or foraged and now it's all in one place and we're pushing around carts. I figure all food was originally organic and then came pesticides or whatever and then came companies selling organic. Sounds like a Big Pharma/Doctor pushing pills conspiracy. Keep em' coming Gary.
Thanks, man. Hey, I love me some wordly items....and organic cereals. LOL
Cereal is one of those amazing things. I remember having trouble falling asleep as a kid knowing there would be Honey Nut Cheerios or Graham Crackos or Grape Nuts Flakes or Golden Grahams waiting for me come morning.
Sometimes that nostalgia tricks into actually buying the cereal and even the shitty, mass-produced, terrible-for-you breakfast cereal is smaller, shittier, and more expensive. Just give me a sack of oats so I never have to leave the house again.
Hahaha...I usually eat pretty darn healthy in my old age, but I gave in the other day and bought a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. It was worth every penny.
CTC Mafia in the house
I love your thoughts and how you write this stuff!
Right on, Buddha. I appreciate you stopping by, my friend.
I loved Full O' Life in Burbank, saw Sydney Poitier eating lunch there one day. It was a great little health food store with a small but wonderful cafe. I miss it, long gone now...good memories.